Chapman's "Growing Up Social" offers new perspective to the screen-dependent family

So, somehow I thought I had written this review already. But apparently I did not. Maybe because subconsciously I was feeling guilty about my use of screens as baby-sitters of late. Over the past four months, we've moved 8 1/2 hours away from the only home my three boys have ever known. We've lived with family and friends, started a new school and new jobs. Transition has a way of wrecking hard-wrought schedules or forestalling good intentions. This is all a fancy way of confessing that sometimes I let my older boys play on pbskids.org or lego.com for 3 hours straight. Sometimes my 2-year-old watches his favorite episode of Curious George (the one with the mariachi band) three times in a row. And it keeps me sane for those hours... and it also makes my younger two boys super cranky and ungrateful when it's time to unplug. There. I've gotten that off my chest.

I knew I needed a book like Growing Up Social: Raising Relational Kids in a Screen-Driven World, co-authored by Alrene Pellicane and Gary Chapman of 5 Love Languages fame. I aspire to have children who play outside whenever its above freezing, who read books for fun, and who play together using their imaginations. I want my boys to value creativity and generosity and kindness over the accumulation of stuff. I feel like this book speaks to that longing.

Review of "Found: A Story of Questions, Grace & Everyday Prayer" by Micha Boyett

I was drawn to Found, Micha Boyett's memoir/musings on Benedictine spirituality for several reasons. First off, Boyett writes from the perspective of a one-time youth minister turned stay-at-home mom who moves away from all her relatives when her husband's job takes them to San Francisco. The tension of wanting to be a good, content nurturer to her son amid the mundane and often wearisome tasks that rob her of her prayer life was something with which I easily relate. I was also interested in learning more about praying the hours, as I've been exploring various Christian spiritual practices beyond my own culture. Finally, the foreword is written by Ann Voskamp of One Thousand Gifts fame and the opening pages are graced by recommendations from Rachel Held Evans and Sarah Bessey, who've both written books I enjoyed.

Boyett's book tells the story of her loneliness, isolation, discontent and aimlessness as a new mom longing for the days when her life was filled with spiritual activities as a busy youth minister. She struggles openly with feelings that God wanted her to choose a more lofty life, perhaps as a missionary or continuing in ministry. She wonders if she took the wrong path by choosing her handsome, caring husband and adorable, precocious son who fill her days with trips to the park and dinner parties (and allow her to take not one but two solo retreats to monasteries in idyllic locations within the first two years of motherhood.)

Review of Donald Miller's "Scary Close"

As much as I like reading self-help and how-to, the most impactful life lessons seem to come from watching those I admire in their everyday moments or hearing their stories over a cup of tea. I think this is why I felt like I could learn so much from Blue Like Jazz author Donald Miller's newest book, Scary Close: Dropping the Act and Finding True Intimacy, which reads like a friend recounting poignant memories--some painful, some sweet. This might sound strange, but as I read, I got the feeling that if Miller could befriend my husband and I, he would. 

On the surface, this is a book about Miller's road to emotional health after years of failed relationships before he met his fiance (now wife). But it's really so much more than a book on how to marry the right person or to be the kind of person that snags a spouse or how to have a good marriage, though the principles could be applied to any of those pursuits. And, refreshingly, despite "intimacy" being in the subtitle, this is a Christian book on marriage, written by a man, that does not once mention sex (my husband was quick to point this out to me.) The intimacy Miller explores is the best kind of connection, honesty and closeness we can experience with our spouses, children, friends and even coworkers. He also writes a chapter on the "Five Kinds of Manipulators" to show the unhealthy behaviors we should avoid in ourselves and in potential relationships. Throughout the book, Miller's willingness to learn from others and to see himself as helpful to others has encouraged me to reframe my perception of my own relationships.

I finished the book feeling inspired by the many stories of healthy relationships and the insights gleaned from these examples. Between parents and children: Paul Young's story of rebuilding his family's trust after an affair had me in tears. Miller's picture of the relationship the Youngs have with their grown children now says it all: "In the past, when I've had dinner with them, I was surprised at how freely and openly they talked through whatever problem they were dealing with. It's as though their family was a refuge, a place where everybody could be themselves with no fear of being judged" (159).   Between husbands and wives: My favorite insight was Miller's musings on how his wife Betsy would not "complete him" a la Jerry Maguire. Instead, he writes that every human being has an eternal longing and thirst in their heart that will only be filled when Jesus returns. We can't expect even our closest relationship to fill that void, but we can enjoy experiencing that longing together with our spouse. There's also a bit where Miller writes up a business plan for his marriage that is way more awesome than it sounds. But I'm going to leave that as bait for you to get this book and read it with someone you love :)

It's not my habit to write glowing reviews without spending at least a paragraph or two on what I perceive as flaws in the book. So consider this my Valentine's Day present to the blogosphere. I truly enjoyed this book as a whole and am still musing, savoring and praying over its many facets.

*I would spend my own money on this book, but for the purposes of this review I received a free copy from the generous folks at BookLook in exchange for my honest opinion.*

Review of Carlos Whittaker's "Moment Maker"

My bookish friend and I recently finished reading worship leader and blogger Carlos Whittaker's Moment Maker: You Can Live Your Life or It Will Live You. It's a quick read fully of interesting stories, at turns heart-wrenching and humorous. But at first, I was a little frustrated by this book. I was waiting for it to methodically instruct me in the art of living in the moment and making the most of life's moments. That sounds a little absurd now that I've typed it. But my misconception was fueled in part by phrases on the back cover like "Carlos guides..." and "Carlos shares... his methodolgy for living on purpose." The book's many emotionally charged stories are also loosely organized into three sections, "Created Moments," "Received Moments," and "Rescued Moments" and the book's Afterword outlines the "Moment-Making Method." However, when I tried to imagine what I needed to do in order to be more moment-oriented, I found that the actual steps Whittaker shares are somewhat vague and at times conflicting. Should I be capturing moments with my pen and camera, or should I put down my lens so I can really live these moments? Whittaker seems to argue both in his chapter on the birth of his second daughter. Should I heed the call to "Go! Blaze!" or should I pause? Whittaker argues both.

So I stopped trying to read it like a guidebook or a How-To, and that made all the difference. I let this book be what I think it really is: a memoir of moments from the life of one of my brothers in Christ. From this perspective, I could receive some lessons that instructed my heart.

Here's what I gleaned:

• When my kids are having a moment, I don't need to push them or try to fix them. Sometimes drawing out the awkward pause, listening rather than trying to offer solutions, allowing the tears to drop and holding them in a full-attention hug is the best I can give. See Whittaker's stories about of the tragic end of his daughters' butterfly farm, his daughter's accepting Jesus and their family trip to help recover tornado victims' prized belongings.

• Explore every day. Whittaker sets his alarm to remind him to take in his surroundings and get inspired for future moment-making possibilities. And then he writes them down in his folder of more than 34,000 ideas!

• Allow God to speak through others. Even the bearded barista or the music-loving homeless guy.

• Value others through my actions. Even strangers and people with completely different life experiences. In Whittaker's case, this involved a rowdy group of soldiers newly returned from Afghanistan and a group of transgendered divas ready to beat up some rednecks in a Nashville honky tonk. I'm guessing I'll probably insert myself into different situations :)

• If you can't measure up to your competitors, use creativity to showcase your unique skills. It might work, as it did for an out-of-shape college student auditioning to be a roaming character at Disneyland.

So, in conclusion, I like the intention of this book, and even though his personality is probably the polar opposite of my own, I like Carlos Whittaker's spontaneity, creativity and interest in others. He doesn't really have a method to his moment-making maddness, but he does exemplify the greatest commandment to love God and love others as himself.

Review of "Mothering From Scratch" by Melinda Means & Kathy Helgemo

Instead of clarifying my goals as mother, reading multiple parenting guides can often muddy the waters, as many books give contradicting methods and philosophies. Usually, I end up taking a little bit away from every book, some more than others. Bloggers Melinda Means' and Kathy Helgemo's new book Mothering From Scratch: Finding the Best Parenting Style for You and Your Family got my hopes up. Here was a book that validated my pick and choose approach to mothering, and promised to help me determine when a certain style or practice was a good fit for me and my family. I think what this book ended up being was Means and Helgemo's recipe for how they've parented from scratch, with little bites of wisdom from all over the body of Christian parenting literature as well as what they've gleaned over time from each other and from their blog community. The book's strengths are in its overall affirming message, the honesty and friendliness of the authors and some very helpful points. However, because of the book's scattered, eclectic format, I didn't feel like it helped me hone in on my best parenting style. I'm giving it 3 out of 5 stars.

What I liked:
The authors do provide wisdom culled from their many years mothering and thoughtfully assessing different parenting styles learned from books, other moms and their own mothers. In particular, I was forced to reevaluate myself in the chapter "Mom Mentors: Turning Rivals to Resources," and I plan to pray over the authors' gentle urging to forge one good peer-to-peer mentoring relationship this year. This honest, insightful look into the fallen way we women often mistakenly view our peers as rivals in this quest for perfection was the most helpful part of the book for me.

Secondly, the authors' own vulnerability comes through with honesty and humor from the very first pages. I loved the example these two women set for their readers: They come from different social and even denominational backgrounds, yet they've opened their hearts to each other to produce something to help other moms. For readers who don't want to be talked down to and received with open arms, Means and Helgemo offer refreshing voices.

Thirdly, I feel the overall emphasis on grace and ditching the goal of being a perfect mom is helpful and healthy for any Christian parent. The final section of the book, "Mothering with Wisdom and Grace," encourage women to make space for "satisfying self-care," including time alone with their Father. Many Christian parenting books assume that readers already know to do this, and focus instead on methods or philosophies or desired outcomes of their brand of parenting. The authors make time in prayer, reflection and Bible study a key component of their mothering recipe.

What I didn't like:
I docked the first star for stylistic reasons; other readers might really like the magazine quality of the book's format with its constant switching between the two authors, testimonies from others, sidebars and pull quotes. I felt distracted and a little annoyed that this, like too many books geared toward moms, assume we all have ADD and can only handle focusing on a particular topic for 20 seconds.

The second star I took away is what I feel the root detractor of the book (for me). The book's cover, which features a lovely photograph of flour dusted hands cradling an imperfect, tender heart of dough, has a poetic beauty that drew me in. Perhaps because of the message of many books I've read in the last year-- Kingsolver's Animal, Vegetable, Miracle, Pollan's Cooked, Sweet's From Tablet to Table and Noll's Slow Family Living to name just a few-- I fancied this book might also encourage moms toward slowing down, treasuring little moments with their children and cutting out the chaos of a highly-processed life. But in many places the book actually cuts the other way. For example, they advise moms to stock up on pre-made meals to give them more time for other responsibilities. This wasn't really a big deal; I just misread the cover design.

My second unfulfilled expectation was the one I couldn't ignore. The subtitle, "Finding the Best Parenting Style for You and Your Family," caused me to assume the authors might discuss in more depth the main parenting philosophies out there and give pros and cons of each. Perhaps devoting a chapter to each, and including personal testimonies and profiles from real moms who thrived or struggled under those philosophies/strategies to help illustrate why a particular parenting style was or wasn't the best for someone. Obviously, as the book does clearly stress, no one is going to really find that a particular book or philosophy exactly fits their personality and family's needs (unless they themselves author the book!) Therefore, I also imagined a concluding section that gave tips on how to choose the best from various parenting outlooks, how to create that personal style from scratch, using ingredients from all the parenting wisdom out there. Those that liked the book more than I did might argued the authors do provide advice for someone to determine their style, (Take the Myers-Briggs Personality Type Indicator Test! --I'm an INFP, btw), to determine their family's needs (Ask them!), and drop what doesn't work (If you don't like being crafty, don't do it!) I just felt like what were meant as sage advice were kind of no-brainers.

I don't want to end on such a snarky note. Truth is, I'm so far from figuring out this weighty, wonderful adventure of raising three boys. I could and did gain valuable insight from this book, despite having to sift through a bit of clutter in my search to find it.

*Thanks to Bethany House Publishers for a free copy of this book in exchange for my honest review.*

Review of "Cassie & Caleb Discover God’s Wonderful Design"

I’m going to partially blame myself for misunderstanding what this book was. When I saw the siblings frolicking across stones in a frog pond on the cover of Cassie & Caleb Discover God’s Wonderful Design, I assumed it was going to be a devotional exploring how the wonders of nature reveal our Creator’s wisdom. When I read the back cover, which states that from reading these twenty devotions, “your children will learn: The creational principle that ‘God created man in his own image…male and female he created them’ (Genesis 1:27) is extraordinary!” I still did not realize this devotional, written by Susan Hunt and Richie Hunt and published by Moody, focuses specifically on gender roles and the differences between boys and girls. I don’t dispute the biological, hormonal and cultural differences between the sexes, but I’m sensitive about how I approach these differences with my boys, because I don’t want to cultivate potentially harmful stereotypes in their impressionable minds.

What this book is:

Similar to the Hunts’ book My ABC Bible Verses, which my oldest son enjoyed when he was in preschool, Cassie & Caleb teaches biblical principles by following siblings through their quintessential childhood experiences. At 96 pages, Cassie & Caleb is geared toward 5- to 8-year-olds. Unlike My ABC Bible Verses, it is illustrated with dreamy-eyed children in an array of nationalities. Each chapter also contains a two-page story, discussion questions, Catechism questions to memorize and a prayer prompt.

My Two Cents:

The inescapable theme of this book is that God created males to be the adventurous, leaders and breadwinners and females to be the tender, weaker nurturer in a supporting role to men. For example, as the family discusses Genesis 2 around the dinner table in one story, Caleb comments, “It seems to me… that Adam was not acting like a man. He didn’t lead the woman by reminding her of God’s Word” (62). Boys are also portrayed as more naturally rough and tumble than their delicate counterparts.  In another story, Caleb and his buddy sneak up behind Cassie and her friend and pummel them with mud until they scream. Instead of chiding them, the older, wiser adults chuckle at the mud-slingers with a “boys will be boys” attitude until the girls eventually laugh at their mud-soaked situation too. The story is innocent enough, and I agree that none of us should take ourselves too seriously, but something about it didn’t sit right with me. My three boys get muddy and barefoot in the back yard all summer long, but I would not condone them if they ambushed unsuspecting children, be they girls or boys. 

As with any stereotype, I don’t believe the one presented here fits every man or woman, nor do I believe God even intends that it should. However, I appreciated that the Hunts were careful to avoid being heavy-handed in their presentation of a complementarian viewpoint. For example, Dad is seen washing dishes, and Cassie’s friends are presented as having a variety of interests from softball and fishing to frilly clothes and the color pink. The book emphasizes equality between men and women despite their differing roles and promotes godly character for both men and women, touching on topics such as pride, forgiveness, and gratefulness. I liked that the main characters often make decisions against the grain of peer pressure. For example, in one episode, Caleb talks his friend out of sneaking into a scary movie after they’ve purchased tickets for an age-appropriate one. I think the book also emphasizes grace and provides models for healthy conflict resolution. For example, all of the characters, including Mom and Dad, have moments of weakness and sin, and all are able to own up to their mistakes or forgive each other their failings at the end of each story. For these reasons, I thought Cassie & Caleb was a step up from My ABC Bible Verses, in which the parents were perfect, the younger sister was always the little angel and the older brother the family’s Goofus.

Because I’d like to present a more nuanced take on what makes men and women different and how every individual can uniquely serve and express their maker, I probably won’t be reading this book to my "everything is black or white" 6-year-old just yet. However, I would recommend the book to families comfortable with a complementarian view and looking for a devotional that will likely capture young children’s attention with gospel-oriented stories.

A Give-Away... Might make a good Christmas gift!
I've been very blessed to find several sources of free Christian books and am excited to keep giving them away after I've reviewed them. Moody Publishers generously sent me a free copy of this book in exchange for my honest review, so I'd like to also give this book away to one lucky blog reader who answers one of following questions in the comment section below: (If you have trouble using Disqus, as some did during the last drawing, let me know on Facebook, and I'll post your comment for you.)

What kind of devotionals have you done or are you doing with your children?
What conversations have you had with your children about being a boy or girl?
What questions have your children asked you, and how have you answered?

UPDATE: The winner of this drawing is....

Review of "In This House We Will Giggle" by Courtney DeFeo

I'm always looking for inspiration and encouragement as I raise three energetic and unique little boys. The title of Courtney DeFeo's book, In This House We Will Giggle: Making Virtues, Love & Laughter a Daily Part of Your Family Life, attracted me because it signaled a book full of grace rather than legalistic "training." 

Overview

Each chapter in We Will Giggle is devoted to one of 12 virtues: love, joy, forgiveness, faith, patience, perseverance, respect, responsibility, service, humility, gratitude and generosity. These chapters begin with a short kid-friendly definition of the featured virtue before flowing into Courtney and her many mentors’ and friends’ thoughts on instilling this virtue into children.

In each chapter, DeFeo also offers a memory verse, talking points, and a lesson plan with discussion questions, a big family activity, shorter optional activities and a corresponding passage to read out of Sally Lloyd-Jones’ The Jesus Storybook Bible. There are also "60 Ways to Bring out the Giggles" sidebars sprinkled throughout the book. It was a lot to take in at first glance, and took me a couple of chapters before I settled into the rhythm of all the components. But instead of letting myself get overwhelmed, I took DeFeo’s advice from the preface to heart: “I encourage you to customize all these resources to fit the style and needs of your family, discarding anything that doesn’t work and mixing in your own creative ideas” (9).

What Spoke to Me

DeFeo’s chapters on Forgiveness, Patience, Perseverance and Humility especially resonated with me, as evidenced by the amount of my underlining, starring and scribbling in the margins. I was especially inspired by her prayer and vision for homes where “we hear their hearts and take responsibility for our part in any conflict. Homes where we never expect perfection but commit to continued growth, where we end difficult conversations with a hug, and where we always point one another back to the only perfect way: the love of Jesus” (51-52). Apologies are not just hollow niceties, but true forgiveness is a “bridge to personal freedom” with a focus on “building relationships” and “nurturing healthy hearts” (57). These are life lessons that many adults have never learned.

As a mom who often caves to every little whimper or trembling lip, I needed to hear DeFeo’s thoughts on the importance of instilling perseverance. The next time I’m tempted to rescue one of my sons from discomfort or struggle, I will have to borrow DeFeo’s line: “‘No, you cannot quit; take a break, but you must finish,’” in order to give them the “gift of character growth and a lifetime of hope” (117).

I’m also keen on her insights into the “tension between humility and confidence.” DeFeo says she never wants her girls to develop an attitude of superiority, yet she strives to raise them to be passionate in their identity in Christ and confident enough to “lead boldly from their gifts” (194). I’ve made this a part of my prayer for my sons as well.

What Didn't

I was a little disappointed that the idea of giggling as an addictive way to instill virtues and godly behavior wasn’t emphasized as much as I expected. I thought this would be the centerpiece of the book, but goofiness mostly appeared in the somewhat disjointed and distracting “60 Ways to Bring Out the Giggles” sidebars that peppered the already busy pages of the book. Having said that, I understand not every teaching moment can or should be full of raucous laughter. However, it made me think the title of the book was a ploy to set it apart from the many other great parenting books that present a similar message of grace.

Another little qualm I had stems from the fact that I’m raising three boys who love to wrestle, rough house or hole up in their rooms building with Legos for hours on end. They don’t care much about exploring their emotions or creating crafty gratitude tote bags or picture journals. (I wish they did, as that would be more fun for me!) DeFeo’s experience raising girls didn’t always translate to my own experience in the land of dirty hands and bug boxes. To her credit, DeFeo includes a few stories about her friend’s little boys. But overall, I found myself thinking, “I could never get this to work with mine.” And… regarding the book's visuals, the abundant daisy and curlicue design elements were a bit much for this minimalist designer’s taste.

My Take-Away

We Will Giggle has got my own creative juices flowing as I’m encouraged to teach virtues more deliberately in my own home. I like the idea of taking it slow, with one virtue emphasis per month, and plan to incorporate DeFeo’s simple, illuminating definitions and catch phrases into my own conversations. I would recommend this book to other moms, especially homeschooling mothers or even Sunday school teachers who are looking for interesting and generally low-budget activities and projects to help get kids thinking about and practicing the virtues Jesus exhibits.

*I received this book from Blogging ForBooks in exchange for an honest review.*

Reading into my life: Productive Praise

I learned something the other day, after reflecting on a visit to my neighbor's house, mingled with some of the wise words from books I've read in the last year or two.

My middle son, Mercy Child, needs praise and affection to flourish, and I don't naturally give it to him in an unmeasured, non-manipulative way. I'll just be honest here; often my praise has strings attached. I limit my kind speech to sing-songy praise when he does what I want him to do and expressly for the purpose of getting him to do it again. Like taking his foot off of his baby brother's face. And getting his fingers out of his nose/mouth/rear end. I can really feign enthusiastic praise when he obeys these directives. "Good Joooob, Babe! You did a great job of putting your toilet paper in the potty!" But I don't often praise him for his innate talents, his subtle progress, his growth and uniqueness. 

Last week, I took Mr. Mercy and Squeaky Pea over to my neighbor's home to see her family's many pets. He was polite, interested and a little timid, but he suppressed his trepidation so he could meet all the animals-- even a sheepdog twice his size. 

My boy was absorbed in the backyard animal kingdom, but I found myself fixated on his behavior, falling into my habit of critiquing and apologizing for his behavior-- even neutral actions like taking off his shoes just after my neighbor said we didn't have to. As if somehow speaking negatively about my son made us more agreeable guests.

Each time I uttered a negative or apologetic word on my little son's behalf, my neighbor countered it in her easy German accent:

"Oh, it's alright, you can take them off. That's the polite thing to do."

"Let him run around. That's what kids need to do."

"His vocabulary is very advanced for a 3-year-old."

I caught on to the pattern and tried to zip it. With each positive rebuttal, I choked back the words I wished to say in response, words to minimize or temper her praise. "Why do I do this?" I wondered.

When we got home, I commented to my son, "That was fun, wasn't it? Ms. Kat really liked you!"

Without skipping a best, Mercy Child did a gleeful headstand on the sofa and fired back, "Yes. I'm smart!"

My heart melted and sank. 

"Yes, you are very smart, sweetheart."

I was thankful for him to have this happy moment of contentment with himself. I was truly glad he felt admired and validated by my neighbor. But I was ashamed that my own words don't often build him up that way.

What he does get is my in attention, my over-reactive anger and nit picky criticism in constant supply. For legitimate reasons, mind you: such as peeing, sprinkler style, all over the bathroom floor. For the third time this week. Or pinching Squeaky Pea's thumb in the bedroom door, seconds after I've told him to be careful. Or insisting that I let him sit on my lap when I'm in the middle of a challenging tutoring session online. 

But these moments add up, blending together as the soundtrack to his life until the messages that he's not good enough takes root. On the flip side, my words (and others') can help him grow into the best version of himself.

Prayer: Lord! Have mercy on my Mercy Boy. Have mercy on me. I don't know the first things about raising this wonderful, messy, affectionate, smart, fun-loving, contrary, irksome, adorable boy. I pray You'd tailor my speech towards and about him. Help me to see him differently-- not as a mom in the battle trenches, but as a thoughtful observer. Help me to savor and tease out his strengths with my notice and kind words. And flood me with patience in all those other moments. The showdowns. The messes. The selective hearing. The button-pressing. Help me be firm, but not harsh.

*****

These reflections were fueled by a couple of books:

Raising Preschoolers: Parenting for Today by Dr. Sylvia Rimm
Published in 1997 by Three Rivers Press
Psychologist and children's advocate Sylvia Rimm says that speaking positively about our kids to other adults, what she calls referential speaking, is the most powerful kind of attention we can give them because "small children believe that whatever adults say to each other is true; therefore, when adult conversation refers to them, they believe it" (75). What I speak now, helps form my son's identity for the long haul, for better or worse.

Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes in You and Your Kids! by Scott Turanksy and Joanne Miller
Published in 2000 by Waterbrook Press 

The misleading title belies the positive focus on fostering honor in your home. One of the "honor-based parenting skills" that has stuck with me since reading this book with a group of moms last summer was to be firm without being harsh, the latter behavior being one I often slide into when I blow a fuse in order to show I mean business. Turansky instructs parents to correct their children with emotions in check, using eye contact, gentle words and even a hand on their shoulder to get attention. Putting this directive into perspective, Turansky says, "children are not possessions to order around with harshness; they are treasures to treat with honor" (104).

Reflections on Brene Brown's "The Gifts of Imperfection"

This little book caught my attention with its lengthy title, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are: Your Guide to a Wholehearted Life. I'd heard that Brene Brown conducts thousands of interviews to find common themes and patterns among those that lead what she calls "wholehearted" - fulfilling, happy, intentional, present lives- and those who don't.

This book presents sage advice teased out of all these interviews, tightly packed into 10 "guideposts" on the path to wholehearted living, including self-helpy suggestions like cultivating self-compassion and creativity, Christian virtues like gratitude and joy and somewhat surprising suggestions like taking time to laugh, sing and dance each day. Though it's not a parenting book, Brown uses examples from her own life and her sometimes fragile balancing act as a working mother. I found myself contemplating my parenting more than any other aspect of my life as I read, largely because I see my own worst behavior in my children on those particularly imperfect parenting days. An idea shared by many authors of parenting advice books, Brown believes "where we are on our journey of living and loving with our whole hearts is a much stronger indicator of parenting success than anything we can learn from how-to books."

Some additional quotes from Gifts of Imperfection I've been chewing on:
Avoid wasting time on guilty pleasures... or addictions:

"In another very unexpected discovery, my research also taught me that there’s no such thing as selective emotional numbing. There is a full spectrum of human emotions and when we numb the dark, we numb the light."

The trap of comparison: 

"At first it seems like conforming and competing are mutually exclusive, but they’re not. When we compare, we want to see who or what is best out of a specific collection of 'alike things.'"
"The comparison mandate becomes this crushing paradox of “fit in and stand out!” It’s not cultivate self-acceptance, belonging and authenticity; it’s be just like everyone else, but better."

The importance of creativity:

"There’s no such thing as creative people and non-creative people. There are only people who use their creativity and people who don’t."
"The only unique contribution that we will ever make in this world will be born of our creativity."

Getting off the hamster wheel:

"If we want to live a Wholehearted life, we have to become intentional about cultivating sleep and play, and about letting go of exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity as self-worth."

In conclusion...

I liked the suggestions in this book. It's easily digestible, and most of the guideposts resonated with me. However, I found myself wondering "how to I actually do this? And how do I even remember to do all these things? And if I did do all these things, wouldn't I be perfect?" throughout much of it. While Brown's personal experiences were helpful and humorous, I craved some of the contents of those thousands of interviews with these mystical "wholehearted" people. I wanted to hear more of those success stories, to peer into their lives and see the guideposts in action. Obviously, this would be a different book altogether, and my craving probably couldn't be satisfied, as the contents of Brown's interviews are probably confidential. I don't doubt that she did find these patterns of behaviors and thoughts through out her careful research and analysis, but seeing some of the raw data would have been helpful to me. Perhaps I need to start collecting some stories myself.

"It's OK to be different" books for kids

It's been a little while since I've reviewed any children's books. I like to offer up a few recommendations in batches with a common theme. In this case, all four of these books use animals to teach children it's OK to be different, to go against the grain and express your truest self. And sometimes, the courage of one original helps free others from unnecessary conformity. As an added bonus, all of these books are lovely to look at, provide a good dose of humor and were enjoyable for my boys and for me even after several reads.

Mr. Tiger Goes Wild by Peter Brown

Mr. Tiger lives in a Victorian-styled town of hushed, buttoned-up, social norm-abiding animals. One day, Mr. Tiger does the unthinkable and sheds his dapper suit to roam free in the wild. Onlookers gape, friends tsk and mothers cover their youngster's eyes with their paws. But the once restrained feline can't resist this taste of freedom and adventure. Will Mr. Tiger be forever banished from civilization for following his inner urging? Will any of the other townsfolk ever experience the bliss of the jungle? I won't give away the conclusion, of course.

As a side note, I really like the clean, bright, geometric style of Brown's illustrations. If you enjoy Mr. Tiger, check out My Teacher is a Monster (No, I'm Not), which promotes acceptance, and The Curious Garden, which celebrates life in the midst of urban adversity.

Naked Mole Rat Gets Dressed by Mo Willems

The flip-side of Mr. Tiger Goes Wild, the protagonist in this zany Willems tale secretly enjoys putting on clothes. As much as other naked mole rats deride Wilbur for his risque fashion statements (such as wearing a suit), he can't resist the feeling of fabric on his furless skin. Plus, he argues, when he gets dressed up he can be fancy, or cool.. or even an astronaut!  The story comes to a head when the mole rats appeal to their venerable leader, who questions poor Wilbur at a public hearing. Wilbur's simple response has a dramatic effect! This book helps open up discussions about doing things because we've always done them that way. It also allows you to discuss with children when it might be OK to buck the social norm.

Gaston by Kelly DiPucchio, illustrated by Christian Robinson

Gaston is the oddball in his refined French poodle family: Mrs. Poodle, Fi-Fi, Foo-Foo and Ooh La La. Even though Gaston has trouble matching his sisters' abilities to Yip (not Yap) and to sip (Never slurp), he still enjoys the security of a loving home. One day, Gaston's identity is shaken as the Poodle family run into a Bulldog family, also with four puppies: Ricky, Rocky, Bruno and.... Antoinette, who happens to be a poodle. The moment is decidedly awkward, and without any discussion, Antoinette and Gaston trade places and families as they leave the park. Though Gaston and Antoinette look like they belong in their new arrangements, they struggle to truly fit in and miss their real families.

This story is a great opener for talking about how we can't judge others by appearances. All the characters in this canine tale come to the right conclusions at the end, making it a good book for talking about adoption.

Froodle by Antoinette Portis

Everyone knows that little brown birds are supposed to say "peep," but Little Brown Bird "didn't want to sing the same old song." When she busts out a boisterous "Froodle sproodle!" Crow tries to intimidate her back into the appropriate behavior for little brown birds. Little Brown Bird doesn't relent. In fact, she comes up with even more outlandish bird song until the entire neighborhood takes notice.

I think this is the only book of the four that I definitely enjoyed more than my boys. I've had this aspiration to become a bird watcher when I'm old and retired, and I pride myself on having a pretty good ear for bird calls, so the subject of Froodle piqued my interest immediately. But educationally, this book opens up a discussion about experimentation, facing peer pressure and perhaps even observing animal behavior in nature.

Review of "The Brainy Bunch"

After seeing some of the Harding kids on a video online, Joe purchased the Kindle version of their book, The Brainy Bunch: The Harding Family Method to College Ready by Twelve. Written by Kip and Mona Lisa Harding and many of their ten children, the book chronicles Lisa's experience homeschooling her enormous brood at an accelerated pace, while intermittently taking on part-time jobs to help pay the bills and put her husband through college, grad school and a PhD program. The bulk of the book seems to be written by Mona Lisa, with an occasional sidebar by Kip and several essays from the kids-- possibly meant to showcase their college-readiness but mainly showing that the kids believed their home school method to be a positive experience.

First, let me give a summary of "The Harding Family Method." After reading the book in a few sittings, I gleaned these basic points for achieving college ready by age 12:

• Teach kids to read between 4 and 5 
• Acquire home school curricula of your choice
• Teach them math at an accelerated pace (Lisa writes that she didn't get hung up on whether they knew 7 x 8 before moving on to more advanced concepts)
• Journal every day, starting by a parent writing what the child says and eventually having the child write
• Teach grammar by correcting their journal entries
• Read history and science related books each day
• Allow kids to read for pleasure after math, writing and history/science reading is completed
• Ask the child what they want to be when they grow up
• Based on their answer, give them high school or college level textbooks for that subject to peruse
• Fill out child's high school transcripts like a checklist rather than in chronological order
• Begin ACT prep around age 8, with the goal of passing the minimum entry requirement for whichever college is close to home and has a program that matches the child's interest
• Shoot for the minimum entry requirement
• Dual enroll in a community college as early as possible, using loopholes or downplaying the child's age while applying

While Mona Lisa does write at length about how she juggled so many different children and how she kept a close watch over her tweens as they attended college, she is a little bit vague on her actual teaching methods. I guess this is because she did rely heavily on home school materials and educational websites to do a lot of the teaching. As someone who is not really planning to home school, I still found some good inspiration from this book. 

Here's what I liked:

The Hardings emphasize helping a child find his or her passion and really running with it. They tailor the child's lessons for an actual career of the child's choosing. They see each of their children as individuals and promote each family member as their resident expert in something. Home schooling's biggest benefit, in my mind, is that students are not bound to study "core" material that would obscure their passion for a particular subject or bog down the process of honing their natural abilities. In addition, teaching key skills in a way that links them to the child's dream job seems like a great way to motivate them to work hard and see the importance of learning.

The emphasis on teaching children to learn on their own was another highlight. Lisa admitted she never did science experiments because the materials seemed too costly and potentially dangerous, but she is a big fan of responding to her kids' curiosity by telling them to "Google it and come back and tell me the answer." Probably when ten children are asking questions, this is the most efficient way to satisfy their curiosity without going crazy finding all the answers yourself. But I also think that teaching children to search out their own answers is important. I would also add that children should be taught how to discern whether an online source is credible.

Daily reading and journaling also struck me as the antithesis to the glut of busywork that I remember from my public school education. To be lifelong learners, children need to love reading. Helping them find quality literature and nonfiction from a young age can kindle that love. As a journalist, I also think that as children get older, it would be incorporate current events into that daily diet by encouraging children to read news stories about their areas of interest. Keeping a journal of things learned is useful on so many levels. Children learn to distill large amounts of information into a single page and they can admire their progress by looking back at previous entries. I've been working with Stephen to keep a journal of books from the library. He draws a picture and copies the title or writes a few words to describe what he's drawn. Then, I ask him to tell me the story in a few sentences and I copy them onto the page. Eventually, he will be able to write more on his own. We also have a "STEM" journal for science and nature observations, though right now it's mostly filled with Stephen's drawings of various Wild Kratts episodes. 

What I didn't like:

Though I agreed with the above approaches, I did have some qualms.

The book is poorly written, organized and edited. I'll cut Mona Lisa some slack on her writing style and lack of focus on many of the books chapters, with ten kids and all :)

The book never convincingly explains why getting through college by 17 or 15 is so beneficial. One Amazon reviewer suggested the real aim was to skip from the innocence of childhood to the responsibility of adulthood while cutting out the potential rebellious phase of adolescence. I'm not quite so cynical, but I found the Harding's argument that it made sense financially (as college tuition costs are rising every year!) to be less than compelling. Why not allow children to pursue their passion at a more standard pace and help them to go to the best program for their field? As a writing tutor, I know that some college students write at a grade-school level. I feel that pushing children to a no-name college at a early age is not necessarily a testament to their academic prowess. Rather, it might reveal the weakness of the college. Will any college degree do for achieving one's dreams? Will all colleges offer the same quality of education? And what will a college grad do at age 15 when they are too young to be hired or even drive? Oh yeah: get a master's degree.

The chapter written for those who aren't homeschooling begins encouragingly enough by saying that there are many things parents can do for their public or private schooled children. However, the list of practical suggestions is thin and quickly tilts toward suggesting that one should home school after all. I got the impression that the publisher required the Hardings to include this chapter to broaden the market for the book, and the authors obliged them by cobbling together some random thoughts to show that such a chapter doesn't belong in their book.

Many times, the book feels like a platform for other purposes besides outlining the "Method." In particular, for promoting the Hardings' particular brand of quiver-full Christianity, for bragging about their fleeting moments of would-be stardom, and for promoting their phone consultation business and skiing website. It's their book, so they should be free to share their beliefs and promote themselves, but I felt that the addition of so many recommended resources (Harding Hip Hop Dance Party Playlist anyone?) really cluttered up the main idea of the book.

Finally, I have a beef with the authorship of the book. Kip's name is listed first, but from what I can tell the book was mainly written by Mona Lisa and padded up with essays from the kids. Kip is the one working on a doctorate in education, so ideally, he'd be showing how educational theory supports or enriches this approach. Instead, Kip writes a "chapter" near the end of the book that's basically a sappy group thank you note to his wife and ten children. 

The Take-Away:

If you are home schooling and like watching the Duggars, you might enjoy reading this book for the stories Mona Lisa tells and to glean God-centered ideas for balancing the busyness that comes with educating a big family. However, I've pretty much summarized the main educational content of the book in the first section of this review. For that reason, I don’t really recommend buying this book, as I didn't feel it was really worth the $10 Kindle price. On the other hand, I often wag my finger at my husband for his purchases, so I might be biased. Perhaps I can get Joe to weigh in as well.

Words can hurt or heal with Rosemary Wells

Stephen and I really enjoyed Rosemary Well's newest book, Stella's Starliner, which tucks a deep message into a sweet, sparkling picture book. I grabbed it off the library shelf because I grew up with Wells and I thought from the title this one might include some imaginary space travel. Actually, the story is mostly grounded on earth, with one fantastic sky travel scene in the middle. But I still highly recommend this one!

Stella is not rich in material possessions, but has a life rich with pancake breakfasts, farmer's markets, bookmobile visits and weekend fishing trips. Her compact but practical trailer home is replete with fun hiding places and novelties like a sofa that converts to a bed with the touch of a button. Cherished by her mom and dad, Stella feels secure in knowing she "had everything she needed in her silver home." It seems nothing can shake her idyllic childhood until a band of sneering weasel bullies berates poor Stella and her silver home. Their jokes "stung Stella's heart like the sting of bees." (After just one read through this book, Steve recited that line back to me in a very serious voice.) I always thought that the old rhyme about sticks and stones and words that can never hurt me was unhelpful, especially when it seems that words are what can most damage a tender heart. In Stella's case, the weasel's jibes pricked so deeply she couldn't eat or sleep that night.

I won't give away the ending, which, of course, is a happy one. The message of this story? Just as cruel words can cause people to see their glasses half empty, some encouragement can set things right. Always on the look out for books that promote simplicity, I was happy to find another book can help children see that happiness is not in wealth, having stuff or pleasing everyone. It also promotes loving family relationships, finding joy in the little things and speaking positively. So go out and get Stella's Starliner, and start talking with your pre-K to early elementary students.

Review of "Clutterfree with Kids"

As a mom of three boys, I read Joshua Becker's Clutterfree with Kids hoping to gain insight into pairing down our household possessions to the essential and limiting the influx of gifts from well-meaning relatives each holiday and birthday. The author is sort of a minimalist guru who runs popular blog, becomingminimalist.com. Becker seemed to echo other writings on simplicity with familiar ideas, such as: own less to live more, value relationships over things, be free of debt, live below your means, and treasure the simple things in life.

Clutterfree is arranged into three sections: 1) Change Your Thinking, 2) Discover New Habits and 3) Free Your Life. The first and third sections are predominantly philosophical. The middle section gets more practical with chapters on various areas of life that tend toward clutter: toys, clothes, artwork, sentimental items, collections, screens, photos, gifts, packing, schedules and baby gear. Each of these chapters begins with an anecdote about a mom who learned to de-clutter that particular area before launching into general suggestions for controlling clutter.

After reading the roughly 200 double-spaced pages, I was disappointed that I didn't find any really new or innovative ideas to help me build on my already minimalist-leaning ideology. I also found the writing to be sometimes repetitious and scattered, like a compilation of bullet points converted into a series of short, loosely connected paragraphs. A sprinkling of typos and style issues made the text appear a little cluttered to this former copy editor. But normal people probably won't find these detractors as irksome as I did!

On the plus side, the book’s strength is in motivating readers to reject their own consumerist and materialistic tendencies, creating a minimalist mindset that should, ideally, trickle down to the children they parent. Many of the ideas in this book weren't necessarily kid-specific; however, I agree with Becker's view that if the parents change, the kids will learn through their example. Throughout the book, he reiterates principles for simplifying life by focusing on relationships and the gifts money can't buy, such as contentment, generosity, curiosity and imagination. While all of this certainly resonated with me, I can't say I had any epiphanies. Some of his suggestions did illuminate the fact that Joe and I actually already make a lot of minimalist choices: we don't own a TV, we buy clothing only to replace something that has worn out, we encourage our boys to go outside rain or shine, and we make a habit of giving money, time and hospitality to others.

In sum, I can appreciate and promote Becker’s message: Living clutter-free is not about having a beautiful home that is the envy of all your neighbors. In fact, the final chapter is devoted to warning readers against the pitfalls of envy and comparison. Eliminating clutter means breaking free from the bondage of “stuff” and giving yourself the mental and physical space to really focus on relationships with those you love.

Review of "Slow Family Living"

My life is anything but slow. Between cooking, cleaning, clothing, diapering, wiping, burping, bathing, transporting, disciplining and putting to bed (sometimes multiple times) three children, there's not a lot of time to "take four slow deep breaths" as blogger Bernadette Noll suggests in the third mini-chapter of this book. But I do long for a life that isn't so frenzied and so driven by our be-busy-or-be-worthless culture. I want to live intentionally and to savor the truly important bits of motherhood. The title of this book, "Slow Family Living," seems to borrow vocabulary from the Slow Food Movement-- an effort to cook and eat fresh, locally grown and organic produce and to use techniques that hearken from a slower, simpler time. I thought Noll's book might be the parenting version of slow foods, but its is less about doing family the slow, old-fashioned way and more a collection of 75 activities, questionnaires and exercises to refocus your attentions on your family and to make the members of your family the centerpiece in everything you do in daily life.

The 75 ideas in this book fell into a few categories for me.

Things I liked and can imagine implementing:
#10 Listen with Your Heart Open - Really listening to your kids/spouse without interjecting.
#15 High Point-Low Point - Before bed, review the day and ask them their best and worst moments.
#16 The Blitz: A Family Tidy Up - Set a timer for 15 minutes of whole-family frenzied cleaning of the house.
#17 Spend Nothing Day - Just what it sounds like. 
#27 Do-Over - Train kids (and yourself) to request a "do-over" when you hear yourself say something unkind.
#36 Just Ten Extra Minutes - Plan 10 extra minutes into every activity or transition so that you don't have to hurry around like a madwoman herding cats.
#42 Sigh. Forgive. Let Go. Move On. - Again, pretty self-explanatory.
#55 Out with the Old - Each member of the family gets rid of one thing each day in December leading up to Christmas.

Things we already do:
#22 Go Outside and Play - Everyday above freezing, and sometimes below freezing, our boys are out there.
#34 Keeping a Family Journal - I think my other blog, The Daily Munchie, counts for this.
#63 Dance Party Rock Band - We call ours a "Robot Dance Party" and play Daft Punk. 
#68 DEAR (Drop Everything and Read) Time - I really had no idea this was a thing. And with a clever acronym to boot!
#71 Don't Sweep Until the Rice Dries - Except in my house, it's don't sweep until the macaroni has dried and been stepped on enough times to dislodge it from the floor.

Things I'd like to do in the future, but feel like it borders on wishful thinking:
#23 Camp Out at Home - Pitch a tent in the backyard on a weeknight. 
#50 A Night in the Park - Noll's family meets weekly with three other families at a local park to eat, chat and play the night away. I hope our family could be so blessed some day.

Stuff I just don't really want to do:
#9 Dropping Love Bombs - Kind of the group hug equivalent of dinging your glass at a wedding. Just not my thing.
#65 The Family Lemonade Stand - Or not.
#67 Freaky Friday - I hate that kind of movie, so I can only imagine the discomfort reenacting it with my children would bring.

OK, so I just summarized a quarter of the book for you :) Now a few minor criticisms: I think if you are drawn to a book called "Slow Family Living," you'll find that the concepts in this book will reinforce your parenting philosophy, but won't necessarily lend any earth-shattering new insights. You might also be frustrated if you don't have ready access to things like Noll's hometown of Austin, TX, readily offers, like a corner store within walking distance or plentiful public parks. (But, maybe if one is serious about slow family living, moving to a location that makes it possible is a serious consideration?) I also found some of the suggestions were a little too touchy-feely, pop-psychology for my personal tastes. Noll's writing style was also a tiny bit of a distraction for me, as she ends most chapters with a chirpy cliche like: "That's a win-win-win!" or "And who doesn't need more love?"  But I'd probably like her better in person than in print. Overall I recommend this book to someone looking for ideas to help enjoy family life more. I found that reading Noll's suggestions got me in the frame of mind to keep trying new things with my family to see what can help me connect more fully despite this frenetic age.

Character building 80s style

A Facebook friend of a friend suggested Handling Your Ups and Downs by Joy Wilt Berry for helping teach kids the appropriate responses to various situations and the emotions they evoke. I liked the sound of the title, and the Rainbow Brite illustrations kind of brought back some fond 80s memories of my childhood.

The book, which is out of print but easily available through Amazon third party sellers, is deceptively long at 127 pages. The book is broken into three chapters: Feeling Up, Feeling Down and Handling Your Downs. The final chapter is the longest and is comprised of various conflicts and how a child might handle them in both inappropriate and productive ways.

This is not an overtly Christian book, though I'd wager the author is a Christian for tackling so many children's books on character building. Wilt's approach to feelings is that it's perfectly natural and normal to have both good and bad feelings. Even a bad feeling, Wilt says often in the book, "sometimes makes a person do what needs to be done." This laid-back approach frames bad feelings, such as guilt, rejection or loneliness, as clues or signals that something can be done to help remedy the uncomfortable situation.

My five-year-old, Stephen, enjoyed this book, often requesting that we read more than one scenario each night. He was often able to relate to the situations in the book and share some of his own emotional struggles. In particular, I found the section on guilt (pp 44-49) to be a great springboard for discussion, as Joe and I have been working with Stephen on how to deal with guilt. Wilt's suggestion for handling guilt is concise and covers all the bases: "Admitting that you did something wrong, saying you're sorry, and (whenever possible) trying to make up for what you ave done are all good things to do when you feel guilty."

While this book might still be a little beyond Stephen's maturity level, I'm really glad to have found it. I plan to make it part of a regular cycle of devotional bedtime reading and will probably explore more of Joy Wilt's other books.