Reflections on Brene Brown's "The Gifts of Imperfection"

This little book caught my attention with its lengthy title, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are: Your Guide to a Wholehearted Life. I'd heard that Brene Brown conducts thousands of interviews to find common themes and patterns among those that lead what she calls "wholehearted" - fulfilling, happy, intentional, present lives- and those who don't.

This book presents sage advice teased out of all these interviews, tightly packed into 10 "guideposts" on the path to wholehearted living, including self-helpy suggestions like cultivating self-compassion and creativity, Christian virtues like gratitude and joy and somewhat surprising suggestions like taking time to laugh, sing and dance each day. Though it's not a parenting book, Brown uses examples from her own life and her sometimes fragile balancing act as a working mother. I found myself contemplating my parenting more than any other aspect of my life as I read, largely because I see my own worst behavior in my children on those particularly imperfect parenting days. An idea shared by many authors of parenting advice books, Brown believes "where we are on our journey of living and loving with our whole hearts is a much stronger indicator of parenting success than anything we can learn from how-to books."

Some additional quotes from Gifts of Imperfection I've been chewing on:
Avoid wasting time on guilty pleasures... or addictions:

"In another very unexpected discovery, my research also taught me that there’s no such thing as selective emotional numbing. There is a full spectrum of human emotions and when we numb the dark, we numb the light."

The trap of comparison: 

"At first it seems like conforming and competing are mutually exclusive, but they’re not. When we compare, we want to see who or what is best out of a specific collection of 'alike things.'"
"The comparison mandate becomes this crushing paradox of “fit in and stand out!” It’s not cultivate self-acceptance, belonging and authenticity; it’s be just like everyone else, but better."

The importance of creativity:

"There’s no such thing as creative people and non-creative people. There are only people who use their creativity and people who don’t."
"The only unique contribution that we will ever make in this world will be born of our creativity."

Getting off the hamster wheel:

"If we want to live a Wholehearted life, we have to become intentional about cultivating sleep and play, and about letting go of exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity as self-worth."

In conclusion...

I liked the suggestions in this book. It's easily digestible, and most of the guideposts resonated with me. However, I found myself wondering "how to I actually do this? And how do I even remember to do all these things? And if I did do all these things, wouldn't I be perfect?" throughout much of it. While Brown's personal experiences were helpful and humorous, I craved some of the contents of those thousands of interviews with these mystical "wholehearted" people. I wanted to hear more of those success stories, to peer into their lives and see the guideposts in action. Obviously, this would be a different book altogether, and my craving probably couldn't be satisfied, as the contents of Brown's interviews are probably confidential. I don't doubt that she did find these patterns of behaviors and thoughts through out her careful research and analysis, but seeing some of the raw data would have been helpful to me. Perhaps I need to start collecting some stories myself.

"It's OK to be different" books for kids

It's been a little while since I've reviewed any children's books. I like to offer up a few recommendations in batches with a common theme. In this case, all four of these books use animals to teach children it's OK to be different, to go against the grain and express your truest self. And sometimes, the courage of one original helps free others from unnecessary conformity. As an added bonus, all of these books are lovely to look at, provide a good dose of humor and were enjoyable for my boys and for me even after several reads.

Mr. Tiger Goes Wild by Peter Brown

Mr. Tiger lives in a Victorian-styled town of hushed, buttoned-up, social norm-abiding animals. One day, Mr. Tiger does the unthinkable and sheds his dapper suit to roam free in the wild. Onlookers gape, friends tsk and mothers cover their youngster's eyes with their paws. But the once restrained feline can't resist this taste of freedom and adventure. Will Mr. Tiger be forever banished from civilization for following his inner urging? Will any of the other townsfolk ever experience the bliss of the jungle? I won't give away the conclusion, of course.

As a side note, I really like the clean, bright, geometric style of Brown's illustrations. If you enjoy Mr. Tiger, check out My Teacher is a Monster (No, I'm Not), which promotes acceptance, and The Curious Garden, which celebrates life in the midst of urban adversity.

Naked Mole Rat Gets Dressed by Mo Willems

The flip-side of Mr. Tiger Goes Wild, the protagonist in this zany Willems tale secretly enjoys putting on clothes. As much as other naked mole rats deride Wilbur for his risque fashion statements (such as wearing a suit), he can't resist the feeling of fabric on his furless skin. Plus, he argues, when he gets dressed up he can be fancy, or cool.. or even an astronaut!  The story comes to a head when the mole rats appeal to their venerable leader, who questions poor Wilbur at a public hearing. Wilbur's simple response has a dramatic effect! This book helps open up discussions about doing things because we've always done them that way. It also allows you to discuss with children when it might be OK to buck the social norm.

Gaston by Kelly DiPucchio, illustrated by Christian Robinson

Gaston is the oddball in his refined French poodle family: Mrs. Poodle, Fi-Fi, Foo-Foo and Ooh La La. Even though Gaston has trouble matching his sisters' abilities to Yip (not Yap) and to sip (Never slurp), he still enjoys the security of a loving home. One day, Gaston's identity is shaken as the Poodle family run into a Bulldog family, also with four puppies: Ricky, Rocky, Bruno and.... Antoinette, who happens to be a poodle. The moment is decidedly awkward, and without any discussion, Antoinette and Gaston trade places and families as they leave the park. Though Gaston and Antoinette look like they belong in their new arrangements, they struggle to truly fit in and miss their real families.

This story is a great opener for talking about how we can't judge others by appearances. All the characters in this canine tale come to the right conclusions at the end, making it a good book for talking about adoption.

Froodle by Antoinette Portis

Everyone knows that little brown birds are supposed to say "peep," but Little Brown Bird "didn't want to sing the same old song." When she busts out a boisterous "Froodle sproodle!" Crow tries to intimidate her back into the appropriate behavior for little brown birds. Little Brown Bird doesn't relent. In fact, she comes up with even more outlandish bird song until the entire neighborhood takes notice.

I think this is the only book of the four that I definitely enjoyed more than my boys. I've had this aspiration to become a bird watcher when I'm old and retired, and I pride myself on having a pretty good ear for bird calls, so the subject of Froodle piqued my interest immediately. But educationally, this book opens up a discussion about experimentation, facing peer pressure and perhaps even observing animal behavior in nature.

Review of "The 25,000 Mile Love Story" by Serge Roetheli

A friend and I recently formed a very small [read: 2-member] book club. Our first discussion was The 25,000 Mile Love Story, in which Swiss long-distance runner Serge Roetheli tells his story of growing up in the Swiss Alps, training to as an Olympic Boxer, becoming a mountain guide, and eventually running more than 25,000 miles on 6 different continents with his then-wife Nicole by his side on a motorcycle.

My fellow bookworm, Megan, who has run several marathons, chose this book because the author says he did this crazy feat in order to raise money for impoverished children. We both wanted to be inspired by someone who struck out on an amazing adventure, but the combination of philanthropy and endurance made this book seem even more promising.

While Love Story did deliver on the endurance end-- it contains vignettes of the husband and wife suffering through harsh weather conditions, culture shock, dangerous territory, accidents, snake bites and cerebral malaria-- Roetheli's philanthropic claims seemed disingenuous. At the end of the book, both Megan and I felt that Roetheli was using charitable causes as an excuse for his own personal adventure.  He complains that the Swiss charity that originally sponsored his World Tour "Run for Kids," pulled out inexplicably, leaving them without the money to continue. To me, this seemed a little backwards. Was he supposed to be running to raise awareness (and ideally, funds) for impoverished children? Shouldn't he be giving money to the charity rather than depending on the charity to fund his round-the-world adventure?

Actually, there was very little in the book referring to whatever charitable works the author and his wife had contributed to on their journey. They did take a brief hiatus in the World Tour to help an eye doctor administer vision-saving surgeries in Costa Rica. The doctor, Dr. Zamber, more than repaid them for their good deed, by footing their travel bill after the initial Swiss charity pulled out.

The tour title "Run for Kids" is equally problematic, even if the tour is geared toward raising awareness more than raising money or actually serving people in need. Roetheli's scant mention of kids were those he and Nicole met in a Middle Eastern juvenile prison, where the only connection he made was with a boy who was serving a life sentence for murdering his own father. There was no information on how to help these troubled teens. There was no mention throughout the book of specific charities or organizations that help at-risk teens or destitute children. Raising awareness involves telling stories of these children and shining light on the ways readers can help them.

The book also emphasized how much Serge and Nicole sacrificed to pursue their dream, including years away from Serge's two children from his first marriage. A scene from the book captures Serge's supposed sacrifice. Camping near the base of Mt. Sinai, Serge smoked his pipe and mused, "My daughter, Clara, turned sixteen that day. I sent up a wish for her and was reminded, once again, that there is a price we pay for our dreams. I missed my children dearly"(143). Yet, out of the book's 200 pages, this brief paragraph was the only time the author even mentions his children. I wasn't convinced that he was really the one paying the price.

Megan's insight was that Serge could have written this book more honestly, by being upfront about his intention to find a way to run the world and be known as an amazing endurance athlete. There is no doubt that Roetheli deserves praise and awe for his strength and survival skills. And his then-wife also deserves praise for sticking with him through the tour! But the author's decision to fund his travels by repackaging his run as a philanthropic endeavor cheapened the entire story.

In the end, Roetheli came off as self-centered, self-important and self-absorbed. Both Megan and I wanted to like this book, but in the end it seemed like the author's ulterior motive of making a name for himself got in the way of making this either an epic or a love story.

Review of "Cooked" by Michael Pollan

A busy new routine with driving two boys to and from two different schools, the start of my tutoring schedule and a couple of new hobbies have kept me away from the blog. I've still been reading, but at a more leisurely pace. So, yesterday I mentioned to a friend that I had this little blog and blogger's guilt immediately set in... so I bring you a very belated review of Michael Pollan's "Cooked."

***

Michael Pollan's name is well-known as a NYT food columnist (maybe even a food philosopher?), so I was a little surprised when I came upon his confession that he didn't really cook in the introduction of his newest tome, Cooked. But we journalists like to think we can teach people about things that we ourselves are just in the process of learning, so I figured I'd forge ahead with the nearly 500-page book about Pollan's adventures and experiments in barbecue, bread baking, cheese-making and fermenting. His core argument is that readers should, like he has learned, prepare their own food at home because of the way cooking connects us to our families, promotes healthful eating, supports local food producers and, well, because we're genetically wired to cook. Cooking is what makes us human, Pollan argues, using quotes from anthropologists who hypothesize that early humans distinguished themselves from the apes when they began to use fire to cook. But let's get on to the meat of the book. And the bread, cheese and pickles.

The book is organized by sections according to the four elements-- fire, water, earth and air. I didn't feel this gimmick really added to the book, so I'll avoid wasting your time going into more detail. Instead, I will organize my review by what I liked and what I didn't:

I liked:

I was surprised by how extraordinarily interesting pickles are. Real pickles, like kimchi and sauerkraut, that have marinated in their own fermenting juices, Pollan proposes, are a source of health today's Western-diet eating omnivore no longer enjoys. He quotes fermentation guru Sandor Katz to posit that humans are not the rugged individualists we assume we are. Instead, we live because of --and in symbiosis with--a vibrant microcosm of bacteria that colonize our guts, help us digest, send messages to our brains and defend us from bad intruders. His portrait of the invisible bacterial world is really brilliant. And it made me up my intake of yogurt. 

I was also entranced with Pollan's foray into ancient cheese making traditions with a forthright nun. Here, he explores the safety of unpasteurized cheeses and why humans like cheese, despite its sometimes heady (and sometimes footy) odors. The humor, history and science of this section make it an enlightening read.

There are plenty of DIY recipes at the end of the book. I liked that they were there, especially the instructions for colonizing your own bread yeast from scratch. But I must admit I did not test any of them out.

Take it or leave it:

Pollan spends a good chunk of the book microbrewing Pollan's Pale Ale with his teenage  son. I have zero interest in beer or brewing moldy batches of it in my basement. But I know it's kind of culinary craze right now, so there are probably plenty of readers who would enjoy this section of the book.

What I didn't like:

Pollan's opening chapter explores Southern pit barbecue. Here I found the author's privilege as a white, upper-middle class male came out in annoying ways. It seemed he spent a lot of time hinting that blacks were superior pit men, but didn't interview an actual black pit master until the end of the section. When he did, he made the man seem like a self-inflated, self-absorbed barbecue mascot who might have at one time been a great pit man but now cuts corners and entrusts the real work to underlings. Then Pollan exposes the dark truth: the black man uses industrial-ag pigs to produce his pulled pork sandwiches!!! So they aren't even authentic.  Maybe Pollan was just telling it like it was. But something about the subtly elitist tone of the whole bbq chapter just didn't sit well with me. A journalist of Pollan's caliber could have find a super-authentic, true to tradition, farm-raised, unpretentious pulled pork sandwich, and he could have unearthed a similarly impressive black pit master. Perhaps he needed to look into that wooden shack that all the locals (white and black) know, but hasn't made the guidebooks or yelp. 

In Sum:

Despite my quibbles, I think most foodies will like this book. But if food snobs or food agendas make you lose your appetite, just read the parts about cheese and pickles. 

Review of "Seeing is Believing" by Greg Boyd

I was interested in Greg Boyd's Seeing is Believing: Experience Jesus through Imaginative Prayer in part because I enjoyed Boyd's thoughtfulness in his other writings, but also because I've been sensing I need to go deeper in my prayer life lately. Boyd's premise is that using our imaginations while communing with and resting in Christ is not dangerous, fanciful or juvenile as Westerners are conditioned to think. Instead, our imagination is actually the way we behold Christ and reflect Him from one degree of glory to the next (2 Cor 3:18). Likewise, Boyd argues we can only really know the glory of God that is seen in the face of Jesus Christ (2 Cor. 4:6) by using our imagination to envision Him. Creating a mental image, and fleshing it out as completely as possible by using all five senses, Boyd argues, is essential for transformation. It is our feelings that influence our actions far more than mental knowledge. A vivid memory of our experience shapes us more than a memorized list of information.

Perhaps because I grew up in a church tradition that mistrusted both feelings and the imagination as vain, self-serving, and fleshly, I still feel some trepidation exercising my own imagination in prayer times. Boyd calls these times "resting in Christ," in contrast to the deceptive, try-harder, hide-your-faults mode that many of us instinctively perform during prayer.

So what does this actually look like? 
Boyd recommends using a form of "cataphatic spirituality" (you can Google it) in order to retreat to an inner sanctuary with Jesus where the words of scripture come alive with vivid sights, sounds, feelings and even aromas and flavors if possible. On page 98, Boyd describes how transformation by the renewing of the mind can take place while experiencing the truth of 1 Corinthians 6:19, that we are a temple of God because we're indwelt by His Spirit:

"...imagine in vivid detail what you look, sound, and feel like when you perfectly manifest this truth. Run it through your mind like a virtual-reality movie in which you are the main actor.  Experience yourself incarnating this truth 'with all five senses.' Ask the Holy Spirit to help you accurately and vividly play out scenarios in your mind that reflect real-life situations in which you typically feel the most empty or powerless. Only now see yourself in these situations perfectly manifesting God's truth that you are a walking, talking version of Solomon's temple, filled with all of God's glory!"

Boyd instructs Christians to take every thought and memory captive by running imagination "movies" with different verses that declare the reality of who we are in Christ. What the Bible says about believers looks starkly different than how the world sees us and how we usually view ourselves. To this, Boyd says: "Take it on faith that the you who responds to situations in ways that manifest the truth that you are a temple of God, filled with God's love, joy, and peace, is the real you. Commit to seeing yourself as God sees you, regardless of how it feels" (99).

Beyond claiming Bible truths, Boyd uses imaginative prayer to help believers heal from painful experiences, such as abuse or great loss, by instructing believers to revisit their painful memories and envision Jesus in those situations with them. Over time and repeated re-plays of the memory, Christians can undo the deceptive message and replace it with a more freeing one.

My take-away:
I love the idea of really visualizing what scripture says about who we are. Bridging the disconnect until my default conception of myself comes into line with God's view makes so much sense.

The last three chapters of the book describes three people for whom imaginative prayer was a way to heal deep wounds from the past. While this was interesting, I felt the examples had such dramatic and traumatic childhoods that I really couldn't apply the examples to my own largely happy upbringing. It's not that I don't have memories or experiences that have contributed to a deceptive mindset, but I'm not entirely convinced my petty little memories of disappointment or rejection are "big" enough to devote to this process of re-working through imaginative prayer.

Overall, this book opened me up to what seems just a fragment of the huge body of various prayer practices within Christian tradition. I'm excited to keep exploring!

Review of "The Brainy Bunch"

After seeing some of the Harding kids on a video online, Joe purchased the Kindle version of their book, The Brainy Bunch: The Harding Family Method to College Ready by Twelve. Written by Kip and Mona Lisa Harding and many of their ten children, the book chronicles Lisa's experience homeschooling her enormous brood at an accelerated pace, while intermittently taking on part-time jobs to help pay the bills and put her husband through college, grad school and a PhD program. The bulk of the book seems to be written by Mona Lisa, with an occasional sidebar by Kip and several essays from the kids-- possibly meant to showcase their college-readiness but mainly showing that the kids believed their home school method to be a positive experience.

First, let me give a summary of "The Harding Family Method." After reading the book in a few sittings, I gleaned these basic points for achieving college ready by age 12:

• Teach kids to read between 4 and 5 
• Acquire home school curricula of your choice
• Teach them math at an accelerated pace (Lisa writes that she didn't get hung up on whether they knew 7 x 8 before moving on to more advanced concepts)
• Journal every day, starting by a parent writing what the child says and eventually having the child write
• Teach grammar by correcting their journal entries
• Read history and science related books each day
• Allow kids to read for pleasure after math, writing and history/science reading is completed
• Ask the child what they want to be when they grow up
• Based on their answer, give them high school or college level textbooks for that subject to peruse
• Fill out child's high school transcripts like a checklist rather than in chronological order
• Begin ACT prep around age 8, with the goal of passing the minimum entry requirement for whichever college is close to home and has a program that matches the child's interest
• Shoot for the minimum entry requirement
• Dual enroll in a community college as early as possible, using loopholes or downplaying the child's age while applying

While Mona Lisa does write at length about how she juggled so many different children and how she kept a close watch over her tweens as they attended college, she is a little bit vague on her actual teaching methods. I guess this is because she did rely heavily on home school materials and educational websites to do a lot of the teaching. As someone who is not really planning to home school, I still found some good inspiration from this book. 

Here's what I liked:

The Hardings emphasize helping a child find his or her passion and really running with it. They tailor the child's lessons for an actual career of the child's choosing. They see each of their children as individuals and promote each family member as their resident expert in something. Home schooling's biggest benefit, in my mind, is that students are not bound to study "core" material that would obscure their passion for a particular subject or bog down the process of honing their natural abilities. In addition, teaching key skills in a way that links them to the child's dream job seems like a great way to motivate them to work hard and see the importance of learning.

The emphasis on teaching children to learn on their own was another highlight. Lisa admitted she never did science experiments because the materials seemed too costly and potentially dangerous, but she is a big fan of responding to her kids' curiosity by telling them to "Google it and come back and tell me the answer." Probably when ten children are asking questions, this is the most efficient way to satisfy their curiosity without going crazy finding all the answers yourself. But I also think that teaching children to search out their own answers is important. I would also add that children should be taught how to discern whether an online source is credible.

Daily reading and journaling also struck me as the antithesis to the glut of busywork that I remember from my public school education. To be lifelong learners, children need to love reading. Helping them find quality literature and nonfiction from a young age can kindle that love. As a journalist, I also think that as children get older, it would be incorporate current events into that daily diet by encouraging children to read news stories about their areas of interest. Keeping a journal of things learned is useful on so many levels. Children learn to distill large amounts of information into a single page and they can admire their progress by looking back at previous entries. I've been working with Stephen to keep a journal of books from the library. He draws a picture and copies the title or writes a few words to describe what he's drawn. Then, I ask him to tell me the story in a few sentences and I copy them onto the page. Eventually, he will be able to write more on his own. We also have a "STEM" journal for science and nature observations, though right now it's mostly filled with Stephen's drawings of various Wild Kratts episodes. 

What I didn't like:

Though I agreed with the above approaches, I did have some qualms.

The book is poorly written, organized and edited. I'll cut Mona Lisa some slack on her writing style and lack of focus on many of the books chapters, with ten kids and all :)

The book never convincingly explains why getting through college by 17 or 15 is so beneficial. One Amazon reviewer suggested the real aim was to skip from the innocence of childhood to the responsibility of adulthood while cutting out the potential rebellious phase of adolescence. I'm not quite so cynical, but I found the Harding's argument that it made sense financially (as college tuition costs are rising every year!) to be less than compelling. Why not allow children to pursue their passion at a more standard pace and help them to go to the best program for their field? As a writing tutor, I know that some college students write at a grade-school level. I feel that pushing children to a no-name college at a early age is not necessarily a testament to their academic prowess. Rather, it might reveal the weakness of the college. Will any college degree do for achieving one's dreams? Will all colleges offer the same quality of education? And what will a college grad do at age 15 when they are too young to be hired or even drive? Oh yeah: get a master's degree.

The chapter written for those who aren't homeschooling begins encouragingly enough by saying that there are many things parents can do for their public or private schooled children. However, the list of practical suggestions is thin and quickly tilts toward suggesting that one should home school after all. I got the impression that the publisher required the Hardings to include this chapter to broaden the market for the book, and the authors obliged them by cobbling together some random thoughts to show that such a chapter doesn't belong in their book.

Many times, the book feels like a platform for other purposes besides outlining the "Method." In particular, for promoting the Hardings' particular brand of quiver-full Christianity, for bragging about their fleeting moments of would-be stardom, and for promoting their phone consultation business and skiing website. It's their book, so they should be free to share their beliefs and promote themselves, but I felt that the addition of so many recommended resources (Harding Hip Hop Dance Party Playlist anyone?) really cluttered up the main idea of the book.

Finally, I have a beef with the authorship of the book. Kip's name is listed first, but from what I can tell the book was mainly written by Mona Lisa and padded up with essays from the kids. Kip is the one working on a doctorate in education, so ideally, he'd be showing how educational theory supports or enriches this approach. Instead, Kip writes a "chapter" near the end of the book that's basically a sappy group thank you note to his wife and ten children. 

The Take-Away:

If you are home schooling and like watching the Duggars, you might enjoy reading this book for the stories Mona Lisa tells and to glean God-centered ideas for balancing the busyness that comes with educating a big family. However, I've pretty much summarized the main educational content of the book in the first section of this review. For that reason, I don’t really recommend buying this book, as I didn't feel it was really worth the $10 Kindle price. On the other hand, I often wag my finger at my husband for his purchases, so I might be biased. Perhaps I can get Joe to weigh in as well.

Review of "Benefit of the Doubt"

Even though I've only read two of Greg Boyd's books, the Minnesota pastor's cerebral yet entertaining writing style is fast making him one of my favorite authors.

In a style that is both methodical and approachable, Benefit of the Doubt: Breaking the Idol of Certainty lays out Boyd's argument against "certainty-seeking" faith in favor of an "Israelite faith" that allows generous room for honest questioning and that lays hold of one thing: Jesus Christ crucified as the glorious center of Scripture, our faith and the universe. 

He uses logic, philosophy and biblical exegesis to make his case against a contract mindset that combs through scripture looking for legal loopholes and freebie promises to claim. In its place, Boyd presents a beautiful picture of a covenant faith that mirrors the Jewish practice of betrothal. 

This book is also full of stories from Boyd's own faith journey, from a dynamic initial salvation experience at a fundamental Pentecostal church to losing his faith in college to regaining his faith and going to seminary to a gradual paradigm shift in the way he looked at his faith. The final section of the book lays out a road map for exercising authentic faith in the face of the inevitable doubts that might pop up in a thinking Christian's mind while interacting with our increasingly global, scientifically advanced and pluralistic world.

This is a book I'd recommend to any Christians who have felt they couldn't fully commit to the entire belief package their church or denomination asserts or who have struggled with parts of the Bible or who have been afraid to let their mind even go to places of questioning for fear of judgement from other Christians or even God.

For example, if you believe the Bible is inspired by God, but have trouble reconciling the sometimes violent, vindictive portraits of God in the Old Testament with the humble servant Jesus of the New Testament, this book might be for you. If you sometimes wonder whether the stories in Genesis aren't 100 percent historical, this book might be for you. If you wonder how so many devout Christians can have such widely different sets of beliefs, this book might be for you. You might not expect or even agree completely with Boyd's conclusions from grappling with these same issues, but I think you'll find a wealth of freedom and grace to wrestle with God without fear of becoming untethered from Him.